1. |
Adoration
05:27
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In my head
All the words I could’ve said
They all seem so right
But from my mouth they never left
All your warmth
Feels…feels oh so good
So why can’t I just tell you
Why can’t I just let you know
Why can’t I force it through my throat
To tell you how much I adore you
In my heart
Your hand fits so perfectly in mine
It fits just all too right
All of your love
Comes all so naturally
It’s like you never have to try
So why do I have to cry
Why do I have to try so hard
Just to let you know
To never let you go
Why can’t I just tell you
Every little way I adore you
So why can’t I just tell you
Why can’t I just let you know
Why can’t I force it through my throat
To tell you how much I adore you
So why do I have to cry
So why can’t I just tell you
Why can’t I just let you know
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2. |
Desire
15:35
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But I can’t laugh
I can’t play
I can’t think of anything to say
Think of a reason to laugh
I don’t smile
I don’t love
I can’t smile when this isn’t enough
I can’t love when love just isn’t enough
Caught between every gruesome sight
Spinning dizzy round and round in my head
Faces I’ve loved falling away every night
Memories lost of memories now dead
Never again can I dream
Since dreaming has taken everything from me
Beside myself with awe at who I’ve been
Waiting here day after day grinding my teeth
Giving me everything I could ask for
But it’s not enough and I want more
But I don’t know what I want
Memories of love
Memories of laughter
All I should want is gone
But I can’t help it
I can’t breathe
Nothing will ever soothe these thoughts
And I just want to leave
I don’t remember it all
Knowing only how to hurt her
How to make her fall
I can’t breathe when this isn’t enough
I can only ever leave
Because nothing is ever enough
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3. |
All Good Things Must End
08:45
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It doesn’t matter
How hard you’ve tried or how much you care
Every great life and little victory
Must end some time and leave you bitter
Each voice will soften with one last endless sleep
Where you see their face in dream
And you’re left without hope
Left with only fear and what’s left of your love
When all good things must end
Eyes empty and tears in hands
When all you love has to leave
Eventually, everything you wish
Everyone you’ve ever seen
All of it will come to an end
I can’t look in your eyes
Soon to close and dim
Lies of forever and the endless
What beauty is left
When the stars in your eyes are snuffed
The life fading from your sight
The days cast in emptiness
I don’t know how to believe you
Everything can’t be okay
There isn’t always something
For you to say or to try and pretend
For how much longer can I pretend
For how much longer
Can I relive my memories
It’s not enough
It’s never enough
I thought you’d be here forever
I thought you’d be here forever
Forever
But for how much longer can I go on
Pretending that every love and every good thing won’t end.
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4. |
Worth
10:47
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Where do I go from here
I don’t want any applause or fame
Just some ease of emptiness and fear
I just want someone close
Someone to shine some hope
And maybe listen for a while
Just a second a year
Please make this all worth while
Months at a time
Even a voice won’t do
Nobody left inside
No one left in me to choose
I’m never really here
Laying close in your heart
But I’m never really there
Gone and gone just too far
In these years to come
I know we have to lose each other
In just one day we may not come home
We won’t get to play again, one or the other
So when I hold you
Saying I’ll see you later
Eventually later won’t be true
And I can’t hold you from beneath the dirt
And when you’re not there to listen
How could I dream any longer
How could you be gone in just an instant
How could your death over mine
Ever make me forget this emptiness
I don’t want you to ever go, I want it to be me
With you gone, why would I even try to fight
Your face through my eyes, leaving nothing left
Your voice in my head
Please don’t leave anything left unsaid
But there will always be something of us left
And there will always be so many words left unsaid
There must always be a time to kill
When we both let everyone just go
When we forget everything we ever felt
When there’s no one left to listen
When there won’t be any closure
And we live one more day knowing there can never be a cure for every way we’ve been left to hurt for so many years
There isn’t a cure for the tears you lost count of years ago
There’s never any sort of closure when you always have to let go
Of everyone you ever loved and everything you ever dreamed of
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5. |
Everything Is So Cold
09:38
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The years have grown gray and bare
Aging and burning their light
I feel so helpless knowing I can’t save you
You’d love me so much more now than you ever did before
But I’ve come to be so still and so tired
Too much to feel and too many lights
The rooms are so empty
And you can’t let this last
The windows are scratched
The drapes have grown old
And everything inside me
Everything is so cold
I can’t do this again
Touching hips and broken hopes
I can’t do it again
Without hearts without ends
Without dreams without hope
It’s all so cold
Hand in hand
Breaths of memories
I can never feel again
I don’t think it can ever change
Not when I’m just as empty as this room
When every little memory
And every little thing
When everything is so cold
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6. |
Sweet Dreams
07:21
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I didn’t know where you were
The clouds were falling while my heart was breaking
I just wanted you and I wanted you to hold me
Small pale hands trying to hold out their fear and their screams
I made a promise I can’t ever keep
To hold you forever
To forever tell you I love you
And wish you sweet dreams
But these dreams can’t always be
And I’m so scared of losing you
We went upstairs together
Watching my father barely breathe
Barely there I turned away
Moving further and further
You held me and tried so hard
So hard to stop my tears
You made a promise you couldn’t keep
That everything will be alright
That this light will burn and shine forever
But these promises will be broken
Every fire will burn out
There is no light to always shine
I can’t keeping hiding beneath these dreams
But I’m just so afraid of the night you leave
I don’t want your sweet dreams to end
Looking down at my feet
I couldn’t bring myself to meet your eyes
I was trying to leave
You held me and cried
Never so scared and never so tired
You were never so scared for my life
I made a promise I could keep
To hold you as long as I can
I tell you I love you
I tell you I love you and everything true
We wish for sweet dreams for one another
And I’m so scared of sweet becoming bitter
But I know we can’t stay here forever
We can’t always be here
But for me you’ll always be there
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7. |
Afraid
04:46
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Outside and around these faces
Sitting and staring at everyone around
I’m so afraid I’m not good enough
Impatient fear of nothing said
I’m so scared and staring down
The way that they talk
The way that they look
Glitter and shine as they should
Raining insatiable laughter
Each of them smiling without tears
Everyone laughing without fear
Here in this room
I can feel okay for a while
I can feel alright for a time
Here in this room
You can leave me so tired
You can drain me so fucking dry
Just a small saving grace
Just the faintest bit of hope
Just a gaze in me to try and save what’s left
Save what’s left of me
But here in my room
You make me feel okay for a while
You make me feel alright for a time
Here in my room
You can leave me so safe and sound
You and me without faces around
Slipping down my back
Filled with shivers and a liar
Sliding down the mirror
And never going back
I wish I knew what to say
Round and round again
I wish I wasn’t so afraid
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8. |
Spinning Empty
12:28
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I’ve seen you so many times
I’ve watched you all too often
Alone and wishing
But you’re not alone
I’m still here for you
I’ll always be here for you
As long as I’m here
I won’t sit here and lie
And promise you
That one day I won’t be gone
That there will never be a day
Where we won’t close our eyes
For as long as we last
For as long as we can
Holding off as long as we can
But in the end
You’ll always be my best friend
It’s just so hard to watch it all
To be helpless and watch
I don’t know what it’s like
I can never feel what you feel
But all I can ever do is try
I will be there for you
I will be there for you
There’s nothing for me to do
But try and try and try and try
Where do we go
With all of this time left alone
Where could we go
When time leaves and we should know
Why must we stay
When we’re left with nothing more to say
Left with only a chance at another day
But you’re never alone
I’m always here for you
I’ll always be there for you
As long as I’m here
As long as we’re here
As long as you’re here
I’m here for you.
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9. |
Waiting
07:26
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When I bought all I hate
When there‘s not a photo to save
When I’ve given all I could have
When I’ve given all I could give
And I no longer saw again
And I no longer heard the same
It would bring an empty gain
Playing this empty fucking game
Since in my dreams
Every crying night
I would still see my face
I would still hear my voice
In a shattered mirror
In a black washed hall
My shattered voice
Echoing in the sternum
Of a tower built for my heart
Sustaining a fuel
That is falling apart
A life drained of bliss
I chose a life of this
A tower crawling to the sky
Clouds of dusty heather raised
Higher and higher they climb
Above towering steel beams
Reaching for a fading light
Opening an empty box
With a smile on my face
Biding my time
Holding off just one more night
But I just want
I just hope
I can watch myself fall
When my sickly home
Falls upon some light
I want the bliss
Of losing every word
Caught in my throat
Undressing old scars
In a draining hope
For leaving a life of this.
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10. |
Home Again
08:20
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The face in the mirror can’t be mine
It grows away only further with time
How can it be mine I never see
Never feel
Each minute you can’t feel
I can’t see anything
Hand knit drapes leave you dreaming
But these hours seem so dry
Watching the birds fly away
Uselessly wishing I too could find a way
Selfishly looking for some means of forgetting
Every goodbye I’ll be forced to breathe
I’ve been lost and scared for so long
Pulling down and pulling away
Searching for an answer always gone
Searching for a reason
A little more than this to believe in
But it’s not about me
It’s not about leaving
It’s not about what I want or what I need
This is all about you
About my brother and friend
About those I love and cherish to no end
I just want no one to have to hurt again
I want us all to feel at home again
If only you could
If only you could
Could make me feel at home
Could forgive all I’ve done wrong
Forgive this fear of failing
Bring back my head and presence
Free me from this fear of losing you
This fear of giving up
So many years watching everything pass me by
Every passing year counting every account of grimace and barren hearts left torn and every face drenched in tears and every eye bloodshot from loss and hurt, and every sleep interrupted by fear of never finding home or anything more
But I watch these birds build their nest and breathe life into their own blood maybe never knowing they have to fly away
Never knowing that this song will be their last and every heart will have to bleed again
Just like them in the gray of night
I’m just trying to find a way home again
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11. |
Slipping Away
06:31
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I’m tired of it all
I’m tired of always being wrong
Always someone to tell me
All that’s wrong with me
Tired of being forced to change
Acting like this face has to be saved
When you hate what I’ve become
But you made me this way
When you hate what I’ve done
When you hate what I say
I forget what I love
Left empty and confused
I’m just so sick of myself
I’m sorry I can’t be you
Of myself,
I’ve become a shell
I can’t even sleep anymore
Just knowing there’s a way out
Knowing it’s all my fault
Because there’s only ever something
Something wrong with me
Left empty and confused
I’m just so sick of myself
I can’t ever be like you
How hard I have tried to be
What you want of me
There’s so much I regret
But you can never cry for me
After the things I’ve said
I’m sorry I can’t be you
How hard I have tried to be
What you want of me
I just want to forget it all
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12. |
This Room
06:55
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So many times
I’ve wished this was it
This was the end
How long I’ve tried
How many years I’ve cried
So many nights
I’ve wished I could have left
Without a single word
You gave all of this some meaning
Remember how soft you used to be
Remember how much you left
All you’ve ever left unsaid
Those eyes in the mirror
Have grown only empty and splintered
This shallow face staring back at me
Has taken hope and countless memories
In a vain and deathly light
I stare at my same image every night
In the eyes of fear and horror
So many nights
Watching myself
Watching every corner of this room
Every picture in this house of you
Losing what I am
Losing what I feel
To every dream and every fear
Losing what I feel
Losing time
Losing what I’ve felt
Over and over
Spinning on this empty carousel
So many times
I’ve wished this was it
This was the end
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13. |
Please Wake Up
07:01
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I just can’t stay anymore
Each day the fear of leaving
And only loving more
Your face isn’t the same
Your memory is all I see
With every word I speak
My memory of you and those days
Begins so slowly to fall away
Holding out inside a hope for truth
Holding out for some dream of you
Holding on to all I ever had
Holding on to my sensation of home
But all of what I felt was real is gone
Please don’t leave me all alone
But dreams slip away
And there’s nothing left to say
I can’t adore these nights
Like nights left in pain
I can’t adore your smile
When I know I’ve lost you again
You told me loved me more
More than the moon and stars
More than purple skies near and far
At a loss for words and a pin on the same day
I don’t want you to ever go
And I don’t want this dream to slip away
That night in your small, pale hands
That night in dreams to never end
I should have left right then
I should have brought my own end
Too beautiful and too frail
These memories are too lovely to forget
I’m so scared of you saying goodbye
I don’t want this night to be the last
Someone empty and so alone
I spent so much time
Breathing your breath and scaring you
Every single word
Every single truth
Leaving you afraid and worried
But I’ve said a thousands times
That I’m scared too
Just as scared as you
So please don’t leave me all alone
Please don’t let this slip away
Please please wake up
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14. |
Half My Life
11:36
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So many years
Hearing your voice
Needing your words
When all escaped mine
Half my life
Spent alone
Alone and so far gone
Half my life listening
To every shattered song
Despair finds a new time
In these lustless lives
Your heart like a voice
Breaking down my door
Your voice like glass
Breaking for something more
Half my life wanting more
Half my life
Eyes empty and alone
It will hurt too much to see you go
I can’t live with you gone
When half my life
All I needed was you
Your voice like the truth
It all hurts too good
Your heart like ice
Melting, wishing for another life
Your eyes like stone
Unmoved and barely there
Your voice like sand
Never enough and falling away
I remember
Half my life
Thrown out and thrown to embers
Wasting just one more night
I’d give everything for one last day
Only a few more hours
Just to hear what you could say
With ten years almost gone
There isn’t much I can do to make you stay
But as you’ve said to a million faces before
I won’t forget
And I’ll remember you and smile
The rest of my life
Soon to be without you
So what’s left to do but cry
Drops of rain, trying to smile
I wish you could be here forever
In my eyes and ears forever
You shaped my head and heart
Crafted my words and hands
I just can’t bear to watch you part
Watching half my life fall away
But I’ve always known
That one day you’d have to go.
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15. |
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I turn and for a moment
I thought I saw you there
Tired and pale
For only a moment
I thought you were still here
I dreamt you’d come home
Just staring at the wall
Pretending you’re outside my door
Just staring at my floor
I don’t want this to be all
This was never meant to be easy
I’d never felt this way before
How could you ever leave
I believed you could lay with me forever
I turned and for a moment
I thought I saw you there
Tired and aching
For only a moment
I thought you were still here
I dreamt you’d come home to me
So many years just thrown away
Days and days and days just fell away
All of these years gone by
And I still find your hair on my clothes
But it still feels like only yesterday you’d gone away
I turn again and for a moment
I thought I saw you there
Bright eyed and smiling
For only a moment
A dream of hopeless sleep
I thought you were still here
So why can’t you just come home
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This Empty Carousel Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
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